I need to be honest with myself. I'm not sure I have been completely honest with myself in over 4 years, and I can't progress any further in life without doing so. Part of me hopes this isn't the last post on this blog, but the other part wishes that it will be.
I started smoking pot in the Fall of 2010 during my Freshman year at Appalachian State University. I was nervous at first, being a naive high school graduate, but I have since come to love Mary Jane. Initially, it was a group thing. My friends and I would all go out and smoke fairly frequently (as in a couple times a week) but it was never an outrageous amount. As time passed, I became comfortable smoking alone, and began to do so more often in between the large smoke sessions.
Now I am saying this for the first time in my life, and standing behind it. My pot smoking habits got out of control Sophomore year. I smoked every single day, often wasting away an entire day doing fun, but pointless and unproductive shit. Junior year worsened when I moved off-campus and began to smoke "all day, erryday" with friends that had dropped out or just didn't give a fuck about school. That's when my life crashed like the stock market.
Fast forward to the present. I was supposed to graduate this past May, I'm currently on a 6 year plan, and I'm failing Organic Chemistry. Again. I have now seen myself to the door with 2 major universities, and I don't know what to do. More on this later.
Not only is my college career utterly fucked up, my once amazing relationship with my ex has, obviously, ended. On 4/20, we both agreed to end it based on my love for marijuana, fucking up, immaturity and the general "growing apart". We still care about each other, still talk, still fuck, but the actual intimate relationship is gone. For the first time since October of 2009, I am single. While there are things that still bother me about her (and vice versa), I can't help but wonder what things would have been like if I had graduated from ASU on time, with her.
That's the nutshell.
With that being said, I need to make changes. More importantly, I need to stop
saying I'll make changes, and actually
make them. And I need to be honest. So here it goes...
Pot has decreased my already low motivation and drive. I now keep an untidy room, an unorganized life and signs of it all; like the return that's been hanging on the back of my door for
months. Or any other number of things that lie around, waiting to be done, never to even be thought of. Why? I'm always fucking high.
For a while, every waking moment was spent in some sort of "high". If I wasn't still coming down from the 4 blunts smoked at 3 AM the morning before, I was sparking a bowl on my way to class... then packing a bong before lab. Straight after I roll blunts with friends, get dinner and return home way after dark only to do it again the next day.
As I'm sure you can gather, a lifestyle like that isn't conducive to anything but smoking pot and... oh yeah, smoking more pot.
So here I am. Dankrupt, broke, and currently digging my life a remarkably deep hole from which I might narrowly escape. My only hope is to quit smoking weed, and make serious changes. The scary part, is I don't know how to make changes. A lack of THC in my bloodstream won't magically turn me into a straight-A, workaholic genius, but it just might help with motivation. I'm praying that's the key, here.
I make lists, but they get thrown out or forgotten about. I found a list today of things I wanted to change over a year ago. Obviously, that worked well. But I have an idea. I let this blog sit for a year, and I truly lost some sanity in the process. I can promise you I have many friends, multiple support "circles" and people, but what works best for me is just writing my thoughts down. Thankfully, I can type as fast as my thoughts come out (except for when I'm high... research shows increased brain activity under THC). So my goal, yes, an actual goal, is to update this blog erryday with the changes I'm making, or failing to make. At least, I will have piece of mind from writing, and a documented source as to why I'm failing or succeeding in what I want to accomplish.
Some things I want to address:
- Pot consumption (or lack thereof)
- My schedule (including hours slept)
- Diet (food and drink)
- Exercise
- Swearing (I sound like I'm off of Trailer Park Boys)
I don't enjoy editing posts, as I feel that's a way of cheating almost (time-stamped blah blah blah) but I'm sure I will cover more stuff as well.
|||||||
Since I forgot to post this, I'll go ahead and update you for today (as of right now)
I haven't smoked today (partly because I'm dry), but may use up the last little pinch before bed. It's a well-documented fact that pot helps you sleep. It's also a well-known fact among potheads that quitting cold turkey is a great recipe for a hard time falling asleep... and crazy vivid dreams.
As for my schedule, I didn't roll out of bed until 10:30 for work at 11:00, but I did manage to wake up around 7:30. After work, I came home, wasted time, started studying, wrote this post, ran and here I am about to study more. I plan to be in bed by 12:00 and up at 7:00 for my 8:00 exam.
For breakfast, I ate an English muffin with butter, accompanied by water and coffee. For lunch I ate half of a BBQ chicken flatbread, with a coke. For dinner I ate a sauteed breaded chicken breast (in olive oil) and broccoli with a coke. I'm drinking water now. Who knows what I'll grab for a snack later...
I ran seriously for the first time in... 4 years? Highschool was the very last time I think I ever committed to a "run". I ran 2.5 miles in roughly 20 minutes, warm-up and cool-down not included. I also stretched between the warm-up and run, but forgot to stretch after cool-down (soreness, i.e. lactic acid, here I come).
Swearing was out the roof today. I worked (F bombs all day, from all staff), and wasn't conscious of it earlier.
Day 0.75 complete.
