Besides the fact that this blog was intended for writing while high, I will not be under the influence for this post. The reason being, I smoked last night and began to think a lot about some pretty serious shit. (To be fair, what else am I to do when in the solitude of my room?) But I didn't want to butcher or misinterpret my own thoughts, so I am writing about them in a sober state of mind.
I'll start things off by saying I went to the G-Eazy concert! (This is relevant, I swear.) It was absolutely rad, and I had the greatest time. Not to mention, we almost bumped into him (literally) walking past him on the street! Now, if you've ever listened to his music, you'd understand that he's like a lot of other people in my age range (he's 23): he struggled through college while also trying to pursue his career in the music industry. He knows what it's like to be broke. He smokes pot. In essence, he's the same as every other guy trying to enjoy life and live out his dream while somehow making money to support it. I can relate to this. If you haven't noticed, I'm in school, I like smoking pot, I'm broke as fuck, and I, too, am trying to find a way to support myself beyond a measly $30/week for cutting my parents' grass. Keep all this in mind as I flow into this next bit.
G-Eazy is also frequently rapping about girls. It's rare to find a song without at least a line describing his situation and yearnings. I find it hard to tell exactly what he's looking for, but it seems that he loves hooking up with groupies, but wants a steady relationship at the same time. To be honest, who could blame him? But this is where I come in...
I love my girlfriend. And when I say "love", I mean it in the most sincere and deepest way possible. I truly love her. Now I know you must be wondering where this is going. But, (there it is!) I can't help but wonder sometimes if maybe we aren't as compatible as we once were or at least thought we were. And this is where G-Eazy comes in. She doesn't really like any music I listen to and as you can imagine, I feel the same about hers. And you might be wondering why in the hell I'm making such a big deal about music. Specifically, because my music is me. To be more specific G-Eazy is my idol, and his music is my anthem. I want to be just like him, and have the same freedom to hook up with whoever I want. That aside, she doesn't really care for the fact that I smoke pot, and she doesn't want a damn thing to do with it. I'm laid back, letting life come as it will, trying to enjoy every bit of it and she's always stressing and finding everything wrong with life. It kills me when she's stressing over things she can't control, or finding the negative in beautiful spaces (that's a play on Seether's album). It just seems that we are different on so many levels. Shit, we are of vastly different Christian denominations, and on opposite ends of the political spectrum.
But as a realistic optimist, I'm always seeing the positives in our relationship. Fuck. I just let the cursor blink for minutes, thinking of something we have in common, other than the running that I don't even do anymore. Sometimes I love weed for allowing me to see things from an entirely fresh perspective, but sometimes I fucking hate it. If I hadn't baked to G-Eazy I wouldn't even be writing this right now. Fuck.
I just want a girl that would bake with me, learn to skate with me, listen to music with me, agree with me and fuck me like there's no tomorrow. A girl to be the hip to my hop, the green to my baggie, the push to my roll. I want her to love me for who I am, and what I like. Not be ashamed of my fucking t-shirt or my profile picture that deliberately state my support of the legalization and recreational use of marijuana. I've come to the conclusion that she doesn't exist. Realistically, no girl (or guy) is perfect. And neither is any relationship.
But I can't help but ponder the idea that maybe there is someone more fit for me and my girlfriend. It's a terrifying and saddening thought, but maybe it's true. Don't get me wrong, I love my girl to death and what we have is special. I wouldn't trade it for anything. But it's also all I've ever known. She is my first girlfriend, my first kiss, my first everything ("awww"s are acceptable here). I don't have anything to compare it to.
I'm just going to keep spitting my thoughts here...
I've never had much game. I'm not a player, I don't have that make-girls-melt factor, and I've never possessed that "hot" factor that girls seem to be so attracted to. I'm lanky and shy. Sounds like a recipe for a night alone, right? But recently I've been receiving a bit more attention. Maybe I'm physically maturing into something more likable. Maybe more girls are starting to dig tall lanky guys like me. Maybe I'm interacting more with people I know I'll never see again, so they don't give a fuck whether I catch them looking at me. Maybe girls are desperate. Maybe I'm fucking crazy.
It's just kind of nice to get noticed, you know? When I was at the beach, three girls said they'd hook up with me. And I had a chance to, but I didn't. I didn't even think about it. I took it as a complement and kept to my drink. I was kind of shocked yet flattered (I actually, said "well thank you, I'm flattered"). That's never happened before. I never saw myself as someone that would get complements like that.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't have the slightest fucking clue what's out there, or if I could ever find anything like what I have now. The grass is always greener on the other side but when you get there it's yellow and dead.
Fuck.
